i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
there is glitter all over my balls
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
