Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
