You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
