i wish my penis had a tongue
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
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