I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
