Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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