do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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