Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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