he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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