God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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