Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
