I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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