dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
