I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
