The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
We smell like vodka and hangover
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