I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
