Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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