I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
