Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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