Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
