Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
