I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
