Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The Olympian is in my bed
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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