Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
