How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
