and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
