Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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