Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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