He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
