Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
