Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
