We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
