someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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