Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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