I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
