I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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