i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
