plz talk dirty to me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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