just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
