'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
