Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I AM VODKA MAN
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
