Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
