Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
