Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
