3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
