I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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