I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
