Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
