We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
