You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
