If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
