My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
