I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
