i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
