The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize
