am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
